We’ve spent the past week at our cabin in the mountains. We ride our bikes almost everywhere we go here & have gone to the library, to shop at the base, & to dinner at night. We’ve watched movies, played games, & gone on hikes. My boys have played tennis at the nearby park & yesterday me & my daughter made salt water taffy. My kitchen at home is quite a bit bigger, so it’s funny that I prefer cooking here. There’s something about smaller that just feels more cozy & less counter space makes it so much easier to clean up!! I remember making salt water taffy with my mom when I was a kid so I was excited to do this with my daughter. I used to be completely unable to control myself around baking. I would eat cookie dough or spoonfuls of batter until I felt sick & continue to eat the finished product until it was either gone or I threw it away. I loved baking but never wanted to because I would feel terrible about myself after eating way too much & force myself to make up for it with less food & more exercise later. It was a miserable, way to live & while I could hide these behaviors around food from my daughter when she was little, I wouldn’t have been able to as she got older & that was not the example I wanted to set or the relationship with food I ever wanted for her. My life is so much different now.
Now when I bake, I don’t feel any anxiety about how I will handle myself. Yesterday, I wasn’t all that hungry & had no desire to taste test, or even try the finished product until later in the day when a piece finally sounded good. There was no “eat it all” feeling anymore. I cut off a couple of small pieces & stopped when I felt satisfied & that was it. I didn’t even want more later, the small piece left me satisfied & ready to move on to something else fun to do. It’s not always this easy & some foods I are more tempting than others. I can still find myself getting extra full when I eat things I really love, but it’s nothing like in the past where I felt out of control & unable to stop!!
The experience is now about spending time with my daughter instead of the food where in the past it was my excuse to eat what I normally deprived myself of & was totally food focused. It wasn’t easy to get here & I still occasionally have bad body moments that momentarily tempt me to go back to old ways, but then I remember that I am truly happy with my life now & even mostly happy with my body where the past I was never all that happy with either.